As craft brewers draw mobs to special beer releases, killer beer festivals, and new brewery openings more lucrative than “waste management,” it’s a wise guy who know the best waters to hide the bodies are near the breweries named after bodies of water. Think your Top 10 list is better? Fuggetaboutit.
1. Russian River Brewing Co. This Santa Rosa, California brewery is the capo among beer canaries—schlubs who sing craft beer’s highest praises. It’s named for the 110 mile river that runs from Mendocino through Santa Rosa to the Pacific, but the current California drought is making suitable dumping pools less abundant. Just remember, if it comes time to send some schnook to his Damnation, remember: whack a g**nea in the river where we get our Pliny.
2. Souris River Brewing. You never heard about the North Dakota Mafia. For good reason: they’re just that fracking respected. You also don’t hear about North Dakota breweries. For bad reason: any time one of their few brewers makes a subpar IPA they wind up sleeping with the colored fishes (yellow perch, white suckers, brown bullhead) in the 435-mile long river that starts in Saskatchawan and ends in Manitoba but courses through Minot, ND where made men tap their noses as they raise their pints of Moon Strangler Rye. Notice no one’s talking.
3. Rogue Ales. A true Family business, people often forget this brewery began as the Rogue River Brewing Co. in 1988 but moved from Ashland, Oregon—the Rogue’s headwaters—to Newport on the Yaquina Bay after it flooded early on. Word is the feds were about to break up the operation until that flood was arranged. To this day, their flagship beer, Dead Guy, honors the would-be Elliot Ness of the Rogue Valley.
4. Moon River Brewing. Just ask Henri Mancini or Johnny Mercer and they’ll be the first to tell you, Moon River is wider than a mile. It’s also a real body of water in Savannah, Georgia renamed as an homage to Mercer, its native son, hence the brewery taking its name. What’s more, the stretch of the Savannah River known as Moon River appears near the mouth yet its headwaters, the Chatooga River, is where the film Deliverance was filmed. And we all know said river has a way of hiding bodies than need to be hidden. After you’ve done your job, haunt the brewpub and enjoy your Bayou Shrimp washed down with an Apparition Ale.
5. Kern River Brewing. A sign at the Kern River in Kernville, California warns that the river, popular with rapids riders, has taken over 250 lives to date earning it the nickname, “Killer Kern.” Enjoy a pint of Class V Stout and just try to let them prove beyond a shadow of a doubt it wasn’t Mother Nature that outfitted those goons with a pair of cement shoes.
6. Madison River Brewing. If anyone asks what you’re doing on the river in Bozeman, Montana, just tell ‘em, “Uh, fly fishing. Yeah, that’s it. Fly fishing.” A Hop Juice IPA is a great reward for a job well done, uh, fly fishing well done.
7. Bronx Brewery. You’re gonna split hairs that this isn’t a river-named brewing co.? Whatareyou a friggin’ moron? You want bodies of water? Fine: Meadowlands. Pelham Bay. The frigging East River. You want bodies? I’ll show you bodies.